Having less sex than 1950's housewives

At work Simone is on top of her game, vivacious, interested and completely engaged. But this commitment may come at a price. When Simone gets home, she goes through the motions, makes dinner and sorts out what needs to be done for the children. Sparkling, engaged conversation (or possible intimacy) with her partner? Forget it.

Scandinavian research has shown that men coming home from work show a drop in their stress hormone levels, whereas for most women the stress hormone stays the same or even rises.

The above scenario is possibly the major contributor to a lack of desire or poor libido. But there are other extremely important contributors to be aware of.

Coupled with the enormous stress and pace of modern living is a very high incidence of depression, which must be attended to with counselling and medical treatment if necessary. Depression itself causes a decreased desire, but it is important to understand that Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRIs) inhibit orgasm and dampen sexual desire. So, the scenario of stress, depression and poor libido can become a vicious cycle.

Some of the most common medical causes of a low libido include the oral contraceptive pill and menopause. Speak to your doctor about these issues and consider changing your form of contraception or using some form of hormone therapy, possibly just in a topical vaginal cream. Researchers are evaluating the effectiveness of sildenafil (Viagra), tadalafil (Cialis) and other drugs approved for the treatment of erectile dysfunction in men in treating certain types of female sexual dysfunction. Most studies have shown little benefit for women, but some have reported a benefit for women with sexual dysfunction due to antidepressant or anti-anxiety medication side-effects.

Just as exercise, healthy nutrition and stress management are cornerstones of health, so too is nurturing your sexuality a vital ingredient towards a healthy lifestyle.

What is clearly apparent is that sex is pleasurable and deeply sustaining for a relationship. Less apparent is its potent effect on health and immunity. Researchers have revealed how a regular sex life may help ward off illness by boosting your immune system. Doctors have discovered that the level of natural killer (NK) cells and antibodies that fight infection are much higher in couples that make love regularly. Cortisol, a powerful stress hormone is suppressed during sexual arousal, making sexual activity a great stress buster.

An interesting report from the Kinsey Institute for the study of sexuality recently revealed that we have sex less regularly than the housewives in the 1950s did. It is just not as central on the radar screen anymore. Maybe it is time to take a look at this situation and see if we can implement some steps to reclaim such a vital part of our lives. Make a regular date for sex, communicate and have more fun with your partner, exercise more, make an extra effort on weekends and consider changing your contraception or antidepressant medication.

JUST ROLL OVER AND DO IT….

“Maybe women would make their lives, and their partners, much happier if they simply rolled over and said ‘yes’ more often.”

In The Sex Diaries (Melbourne University Press), sex therapist and social commentator, Bettina Arndt, suggests that it is possible for women to enjoy sex without feeling in the mood first.

Arndt explains that, “Women lie in bed worrying the hand will come creeping over. Men spend their lives grovelling for sexual favours. The gap between them in bed becomes a chasm.” She proposes that, sometimes, women should ‘just do it’- and that orgasm and certainly pleasure may follow. The message is not that women should suffer through unwanted sex (as it may have been misinterpreted), but rather that once you get started, you will enjoy it, too.

“Women lie in bed worrying the hand will come creeping over. Men spend their lives grovelling for sexual favours…”

In my opinion, it is possible for women to enjoy sex without initial desire. A woman’s libido is very closely linked to her emotions. It is delicate, often elusive and always distractible.  Your partner’s testosterone-fueled sex drive is completely different. In fact, most men describe sex as a form of relaxation, as well as pleasure. Men may constantly joke about their partners’ flagging libido, but, in reality, it causes them much strife. As Arndt writes: “One man made a statement he really regrets. Fed up with always having to initiate sex, he said to his wife, ‘I’ll make no more advances until you ask me.’ That was eight years ago and they haven’t had sex since.”

The pharmaceutical industry has spent millions of dollars searching for a pink version of the famous little blue pill that has revolutionised the sex lives of many men. So far, the results have been largely disappointing. It must be understood that Viagra in men works purely at a physiological level to help erectile dysfunction – and not desire.

A woman’s sexual desire depends on wholeness, a sense of wellbeing within oneself and a peace with the world. But maybe we are taking this a little too seriously. Have we forgotten that sex in a loving relationship can simply be real good fun?